i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
