I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Small penises have feelings too.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
