Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
someone threw a dead crab at me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
someone owes me an orgasm
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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