I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she smelled like a LAN party
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
