i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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