TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
