My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
