Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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