Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
