Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize