State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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