my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
