if you like me you must not know who I am
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
