I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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