every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
