We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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