I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
