He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
