someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
