i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So here I am, sexting at work.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
