alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
