i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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