I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
