life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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