I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
