Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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