There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
