I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
