We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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