I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
