my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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