Swine flu. Run for my life!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
