she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
