You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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