Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
