okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
then he tried to convert me to islam
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
