I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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