I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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