I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
