I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
