She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
