What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
