this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
