I'm lost and stupid without you.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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