i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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