Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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