Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
