How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
