Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
