I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
