dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
