im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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