You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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