Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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