just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
