"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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