I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
