Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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