Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
