I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
