My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
