he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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