Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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