Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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