she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
