I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
did i just pee glitter
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
