My hand turned me down
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
