Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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