I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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