he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
